No Drama Toddler Toileting!
Ok, let’s do this! Lets’ talk toileting independence.
First things first! Let’s avoid using the word ‘training’ because, well it feels a bit militant and also, eliminating one’s bodily waste is not something we need to train another human being to do!
It’s a normal, typical, human behaviour.
So when do you start? Follow the child!
When your toddler shows curiosity about the toilet or notices their bodily functions and sensations now’s the time act!
As the adults, this is what we bring to table:
Total chill.
Cool as a cucumber. No drama. We are easy, breezy lemon squeezy. It’s pretty easy, too! We prepare the environment, set the right expectations not only for our toddler, but ourselves. We know this can get a bit messy. We expect it because this is a journey; a learning journey. And not many toddlers are going to feel relaxed and safe enough to let go if their adult is emitting high-frequency stress vibes.
What is Toileting Independence? It’s a series of small, sequential steps to be able to do it for themselves.
There are four elements involved in toileting independently, each one playing a part in an interconnected whole child.
Physical
Psychological
Emotional
Intellectual
My demonstration elephant on the potty!
Encouraging them to take the lead in their own journey is key—when children feel they are in control, their motivation flourishes.
1. Physical Readiness
Not much to say here other than the child needs to have voluntary control of their sphincter muscle. This happens due to myelination ( brain and nervous system stuff). It will happen when it happens.
2. Psychological Readiness
A child’s ability to believe they can. A 'can-do’ attitude.
3. Emotional Readiness
The child feels safe. They feel connected to their adult and their environment.
4. Intellectual Readiness
The child has a growing awareness of the sensations of their body.
Speaking of body awareness, here’s a perfect opportunity for me to segue into my thoughts on single-use nappies.
The single use nappy is designed to suck up all wetness quickly leaving the child feeling dry. They literally remove any natural, uncomfortable, environmental feedback for the child that there is something uncomfortable, wet or sticky. They mask the very feedback children need to associate sensations with outcomes. It’s much better to use cotton underwear and just be prepared for some mess and learning because they are, well, learning!
So far, we’ve had the four interconnected elements where all the stars are aligned to begin this journey.
Now, we’ll talk about the 3 Levels of Awareness.
Here they are:
1 ‘I just did something’
2 ‘I am doing something right now’
3 ‘I am about to do something’ (most extended period)
Also, there is a progression of toileting control -
Bowel control whilst asleep, bowel control whilst awake, bladder control when awake, bladder control when asleep. Something to keep in mind.
So, we!
Prepare the Environment.
Put a potty in the bathroom (or wherever your child actually lives during the day) but the bathroom/toilet is best.
Introduce it gently throughout the day and during routines such as bath time.
Have a basket handy with clean underwear and clothes, a bin and an accessible sink for your child to wash and dry their hands.
Use it together at the same time! Role model.
No expectations. Easy breezy.
Scenario: you child sits on the potty, stands up and urinates on the floor. Who cares? Not you! We keep the atmosphere light, clean it up and get on with our day.
Language Matters
Avoid using the word accident. Their experience of the word is negative. Eliminating is not an accident. It is nature. Avoid the word dirty. Their experience of the word is something to avoid.
Being precise works well in the long term.
'“You’ve urinated – it’s in your underwear – let’s take them off and get some new underwear.” Using correct language is always best and while we’re here, using anatomically correct language for their body parts is absolutely best practice too. There’s a bunch of research on it. Google it!
Think of your job as a link—between the child and the toilet. Not a drill sergeant. Not a cheerleader. Just... a calm, consistent human.
And remember:
At around 18 months, toddlers enter a Crisis of Self-Affirmation.
Sounds intense? It can be.
They are realising that they are a separate person from you. A person with their own ideas of how things go.
They’re basically saying:
"You don’t own me. I control things around here now.”
If they sense control coming from you, you might find yourself in a power struggle which you pretty much want to avoid as it can create a child who feels they need to defend themselves from you and is basically not great in nurturing the relationship.
In conclusion!
Toileting is not a linear checklist. It’s a winding road to independence, with pit stops and detours.
You can’t control every part of it.
But you can prepare the environment, observe the child, and be their safe, consistent guide on this journey.
And one day, they’ll proudly flush and say,
"I did it myself."
And! One more thing..
At the heart of this experience is trust. And patience, and just enjoy! Enjoy this journey as the sturdy, calm presence and teammate your toddler needs.
🫶
